CHARMING.

155

Wed, 16 Dec 2009 05:24:52 GMT

i miss him so much :(

154

Sun, 06 Dec 2009 20:25:37 GMT

it was a long ride on the southbound train. i thought about everything, i thought about you and me. i guess it just wasnt meant to be. i lost the boy that i thought would marry me.

well i go to a bar looking for a boy that'll change my world. but all i find when i get home, im drunk and alone. i lost the boy that i thought would marry me. so i play a couple cords and i drink a little more, and i pass out on the floor. i get a little high and then i wonder why im not playing anymore. the morphine's taken my soul. i guess i wash it down with the biggest, cheapest bottle of alcohol. well im gonna kill myself at least one last time. ill drink myself to death at least one more time.

153

Sat, 21 Nov 2009 18:34:31 GMT

im caught in a bad romance.
i hate this.
he is so amazing and he doesnt know it.
he tells me im beautiful and
he wants to be with me.
bad bad romance.
i wish it were easier.

152

Mon, 09 Nov 2009 00:04:51 GMT

i wish i had money to do my externship in europe.

151

Fri, 02 Oct 2009 08:01:06 GMT

culinary school is the best thing that has ever happened to me. i crave the kitchen. i go to sleep writing recipes in my head. everyone is my class is rad, all my chefs are fucking amazing. i cant believe im this lucky, that this is school, that this is what i get to do for the rest of my life. the quality of food we get to cook with and the fine dining restaurants we get to work in just amazes me. and to have these ridiculously accomplished chefs think i have great potential just blows my mind.

the rest of my life has already started.

150

Mon, 24 Aug 2009 20:25:42 GMT

this has been an epic summer.
magical disneyland, margaritas, my partners in crime, tanning, reading, doing nothing, working short days, bars and restaurants, boys, grills, ending things with __cuttsyourfa, lady gaga, clipping coupons, bacardi, captain morgan, tequila shots, nasty drinks but lisa drinking them anyways, pool, jacuzzi, gossiping, trying to come up with different names for wade, fake drug busts, acting tough, praying we dont die when leila drives, movies, my house, bella wella, jb jb jb, chillis, missing happy hour, drive bys, matthew mcconaughey, funny voicemails, twitter, acting sober, sneaking drinks, being loud.

this was one for the books.
my life in ten days.

149

Fri, 24 Jul 2009 20:47:42 GMT

summer is going great.
im starting culinary school on september 4th.
my new boy is still around.
dont really know what else to say,
im having a good time.

147

Sat, 20 Jun 2009 03:07:29 GMT

as im writing this, my brother is downstairs telling my parents about what i failure i am. sweeet. bring on the mixed drinks and shotguns. happy birthday dad.

146

Sat, 20 Jun 2009 00:05:49 GMT

my mom still thinks that adhd and the effects it has on my life are all made up. something i just made up.

145

Sun, 07 Jun 2009 07:10:43 GMT

i let him in. my mistake. he was the one into me, so i let myself become emotionally for reals involved. i knew it was too fast and too good to be true. im here again. heartbroken again. alone again.

143

Sun, 31 May 2009 03:25:15 GMT

school is over! im on break for three whole months! im so excited freals. my brother moved out last sunday, the house feels different. im slowly losing weight and im really excited. as for blake, im pretty stoked. hot date in a little bit. its weird that we are both so into each other so soon. maybe too soon? im not sure. but everything seems to be falling into place. and im happy. really happy.

142

Fri, 01 May 2009 06:05:04 GMT

my last million entries have been about him. i cant stop wallowing. no matter how much fun i have at the end of every night, i still think about him. im so sad. my chest feels empty. i cant stop. i want to stop remembering everything that happened with us. my loneliness gets worse with time and i cant seem to heal. i know what i did was right...but still. god i love him.

why not me?
:'(

on a brighter note, theyre going to remake drop dead fred and russell brand is going to play fred.

141

Fri, 17 Apr 2009 06:32:47 GMT

wind:fire::time:love

140

Thu, 02 Apr 2009 19:06:58 GMT

so i had forgotten to take my citalaphram for like three weeks. so now i have to go through all the nasty side effects all over again. at least ill love five pounds like last time. but today i also started ritalin so i feel weird and kinda sick but really focused at the same time. my body feels like its empty inside, i dont know if that makes sense, but it feels like theres nothing but air inside me. i think most of this is the citalaphram thats doing it. ill be back to normal in a few days i hope. the cool thing is that my mind has stopped moving at a hundred miles an hour. i can actually hold a thought.

138

Mon, 23 Mar 2009 07:17:25 GMT

i tried so hard to make him happy. i wonder if he misses me too.

137

Mon, 16 Mar 2009 22:05:55 GMT

so i broke up with mike. big shocker things weren't going well with us. i still don't really understand at what point he turned into a different person. but today i realized that i guess at some point i turned into a different person. not in this relationship but over the years. i think i lost some of my individuality. maybe it just growing up?

im so mad. im so hurt. he didn't even care.

136

Tue, 10 Mar 2009 00:14:05 GMT

im so sad. i know i have to break up with him. if he doesnt change or is willing to work on things, i have to end it. :'( im so sad. i love him. i dont want to lose him. but im tired of being ignored. im tired of dating someone who is being controlled by a bag o douche. im so sad. please please please i want to work things out.

135

Thu, 19 Feb 2009 06:54:11 GMT

im soooo excited for nikki's wedding!!! its going to be the best fersher! all this stressing out, running around, spending bills like i had bills to spend, all of it, is finally going to materialize in one amazing day! my baby is gonna be here and we are going to have fun! oh mikeyseiler, i really like him, its ridiculous. fuck man, i wish long distance wasnt so hard. whatevs, we always get through. anyways, everything has been good lately and im stoked! i love my parents more than anything in the world and im super bummed that my dad is going out of town for a while. there are weird noises coming from outside my window that sounds a lot like cloverfield. okaybye.

134

Wed, 28 Jan 2009 04:50:30 GMT

so if you are my friend on myspace, you should check out the pictures of my snowboarding trip. and how it didnt turn out the way i thought it would haha. once i learned not to fall, i got pretty good. but then i was soo injured that when we got back to the top of the mountain, i was just failing! i saw that my knee was swollen to twice its size and completely black and blue. my elbow was all bruised up and so was my wrist. all i wanted was an ice pack and a ride down the mountain while mike finished his last run, but they ended up sledding me to the first aid place at the bottom of the mountain. i got wrapped up in cardboard and got some hot chocolate. haha, even though im still in pain and totally sore and bruised, i cant wait to go again! mike took really good care of me. he gave me lots of massages and drew up a bath and everything :)

133

Thu, 22 Jan 2009 05:51:08 GMT

i take that back. im embarrassing. it sucks when the one thing you look forward to at the end of the day gets fucked up. fuck team luc. im tired of never being enough. of always being inadequate.

132

Thu, 22 Jan 2009 05:27:57 GMT

what can i say? school starts on monday. im ready for a routine. i dont know how i feel about that, i really like not having to do much. at the same time, im really bored and want to do stuff. and not just wait around for people to not be busy.

mike and i are going snowboarding this weekend. it should be fun! im actually really excited about it :) i hope i make him happy because he makes me happy.

131

Sat, 10 Jan 2009 22:38:16 GMT

i dont want to go out tonight really. last night was pretty boring. i want to go to the movies or go downtown and shop. i dont want exboyfriends in my life especially when im alone. i want to read but i want to do something active. i feel a bit lost. i feel a bit single. i want to go home but im right here in bed.

130

Wed, 07 Jan 2009 04:23:51 GMT

i feel like a little kid. i want to run away from home.

129

Wed, 07 Jan 2009 00:36:55 GMT

its kind of funny that this is happening right after i wrote about how hopeful i am about the new year. i feel my life around me crumbling. i want to, need to do something different with my life. im tired of living at home and im tired of having to deal with things. i want to be my own person and experience things for my own. ive decided to not go to school next semester which is a really scary though. but i dont want to go anymore. im so burnt out. im looking for a full time job and as soon as i get that im getting an apartment. so if anyone needs a roommate, you know im looking for one. i wish things were different though, i wish i didnt feel like i have to make something huge happen in my life but i just feel stuck. my mom is going to be super emberassed of me now. she has friends whose kids are really successful and are studying abroad and have double majors and all that shit. and im dropping out. i think this is only for a semester though because ultimately i do want to go to school. just not now. and even though all of this is happening to me, my mom is making it to be that she is the "victim" in all of this. just because i havent signed up for school yet. i havent even told her im not going next semester. this is one of those moments where i need mike to come and calm me down. i havent told him yet, i have a feeling he is going to be a bit disappointed in me just because he regrets not going to school. but i think maybe we can go together in the fall. idk. i just need time and my parents dont seem to understand that. i think also that im at a point where i realllly need my space. im 21 and i still dont feel like an adult. i should feel like an adult because im not being treated like a child. we'll see what happens.

128

Tue, 06 Jan 2009 07:30:25 GMT

2008

was definitely a year of ups and downs. i dont really know what to say about it. this year brought a person into my life who i never expected to see again. mike has comforted me in a way i cant even describe.

2009

hopefully this new year will bring big changes. i hope to stay in my relationship. i want to learn new things and maybe move out. i want to spread my wings.